Just over two years ago, I changed jobs. Almost exactly two years ago, I started collecting requirements to design a piece of software to do something that had long been discussed, but never gotten off the ground, at my company. For the past two years, I’ve informally led the design, development, and implementation of this application. On more than one occasion it was nearly scrapped. Yesterday at about 530PM, I got to go home after ensuring that it was finally, successfully up and running in production. I’ve never had a project be so much on me before. Last night as I watched a movie and tried to unwind, I kept having moments of re-realizing that it was actually over, that it was Friday night, that the deadline had been met, that I didn’t have to go back tomorrow and plug away at it more. All night, I would wake up briefly with the same realization. As much as I might try to downplay it, it’s a BIG DEAL. It’s a huge shift in how we do this part of our operations. And it wouldn’t have happened without me, the particular combination of knowledge, experience, established relationships, and stubbornness that I had to make it finally happen. This is me trying to accept that fact.
Yesterday, my boss forwarded an email he received from someone offering honest praise, high praise, for the work I’m doing on another project. Do you know what my reaction was? “Well, shit. Now I have to be that good all the time.” I’m still not sure how to just accept that this is me, that I am capable of these things, but they do not make me who I am and they are not just ways to measure my future failure.